| May. 26th, 2005 @ 10:51 pm That Grey Area |
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Current Mood:  drained
What defines someone as bing a good person? The ability not to be able to lie or cheat at anything? Not making the wrong choice once in a while? Who decides who's good and who's not? How can you tell if you're living life the way you should be?
So many questions that I can't even depend on anyone else to answer. Why? Because everyone's answer to those is different. Everyone has to define for themselves what good and evil is. That's all it ever is, isn't it? A point of view. One person's needless sacrifice is another's martyr. Another's act of violence is self preservation in his own eyes. Morals, religious beliefs, codes of honor.. They're all things that are made by those that share the same points of view.
I try to do the right thing. It doesn't stop me from making the wrong choice time and time again. I've lied. I've cheated. I've stolen. Why should knowing it was wrong make a difference now? I've tried to correct the wrongs that I've done in my life, but it's just not possible to undo what's been done. Concentrate on the future instead. That's what anyone reading this is probably thinking right now. Well, you know what? Sometimes that's just not good enough.
I am not a good person. Maybe long ago I was. Whatever was back then is lost now and I don't know if there's any going back to it.
I remember a time when I was still a kid. I had a friend up on the hill - Justin Stobbs. He and his two brothers, Nathan and Ryan, were my best friends. We'd gather around the television to watch Nathan, the eldest, play Nintendo every weekend. We'd play too, but he was the best at all of the games. We'd all take trips down the hill to the gas station by the interstate to get pop, or go up to the main street of the small town I still live in to get candy and pizza. When I was twelve they moved to Columbus. I was twelve. I was a good person then.
I remember the first time I ever said I loved someone that wasn't family. Tawnya Clardy, the one person in the world I wish I still knew the most. Back then, she was really the sweetest, most caring person you could hope to meet. Maybe I wasn't old enough to understand what real love was then, I was only fifteen. Still, it felt real. I'd do nearly anything to have that feeling back again. However, this being one of my happiest memories, it's also one of my worst. I lost Tawnya because I cheated on her. At the time I was pretty upset that it had all happened. I don't know what I was thinking back then. Now I think it's something I regret more than anything else I can remember at this moment. If I can have nothing else I ask for ever answered, I hope that Tawnya finds her happiness. She wouldn't believe me to hear it, it having been seven years now, maybe eight, since we've really spoken. I love you, Tawnya. Maybe more than I'll ever be able to love anyone else.
I know, I need to let that go. Why can't I? Why do things like this keep coming back to me, over and over again? Am I being punished or am I subconsciously punishing myself? It's not like I dwell on anything in particular, but every once in a while everything I've ever done seems to just hit me all at once. I don't get really depressed anymore, just withdrawn. Every so often it gets me so bad I don't want to go out or talk to anyone at all.
When I tried to explain this to a family member, they suggested medication and seeing someone about it professionally. This convinced me that I didn't want to talk to anyone about it ever again, professionally or not. I don't believe in paying people to listen to my problems, nor do I think any type of pill is supposed to be used to alter my perception. Medication shouldn't be used to change someone's life like that. For pain or medical conditions, sure. But if I don't have the strength to steel my own damned mind and heart enough myself to carry on then I don't deserve to. That's the way I feel about it, there's no changing that. I don't need a pill to tell me how to feel.
I just hope that someday I can feel like I've done something worthwhile. That I've helped someone or some good cause. Right now, I feel that I've been nothing but an inconvenience to my parents and a burden to almost anyone I've come into contact with. I have few friends and have no real hopes of having a relationship again anytime soon, if ever. Let something happen, and soon. Let me feel like anyone else in the world. I know I don't have it that bad off, but I want to feel happy instead of just okay. Just for a while. |
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